Swim

I was about to write “I’m tired”. But I’m not tired. My eyes are hanging out my head, my brain is buzzing faster than I can keep up, I’m raring to go but not sure where to start. I have so many ideas right now and I can’t seem to pin them all down. Here’s a few things that are kicking around in my head, I gotta get them out some how:

• Pebble’s second birthday
• teaching 6-8 year olds about the interconnectedness of countries. OMG.
• CHRISTMAS
• calling {insert loved ones names here} and catching up
• the meal planning and cooking merry go round
• crafty projects for the home – blank walls be gone!
• the amount of dishes one small toddler makes in one day.
• how do I get flv files to burn and play in a DVD player? anyone?
• house work. never ending housework. poorly achieved housework.
• ideas for the garden that I constantly neglect
• making a family poster for Pebble’s child care. only six months behind on that one.
• the overstuffed calendar for this weekend, week, month. how did that happen? my fault.
• the pile of teaching text books glaring at me every day. 
• family personal history project… still a little seed of an idea, not quite flourishing yet
• half read library books with return dates are creeping on up
• the gym, must get to the gym. more.
• how am I going to store and display Pebble’s art?
• pinterest. I’m pinning stuff in my sleep!
• Sports Day. Must get organised for Sports Day.
• sorting out my teaching resources. that’s a BIG job. for later.
• cleaning out Pebble’s wardrobe and storing the too small bits and pieces. Aw.
• budget. ignoring it. ignoring the fact that we don’t HAVE budget.
• my phone plan. what’s going on with that?
• computer nearly dead. need to back up and send it off to the doctors.
• dentist appointment coming up. FLOSS.
• hair. to go shorter again, or grow it longer?
• TV to catch up on. Ha!
• The stuff that I’ve forgotten for this list that will wake me at 2am and send me into a panic.
• paying more attention to inspiring quotes.

Goodnight. Sleep tight. Yeah right!

How did I get here?

Yesterday I had a few little jobs to do – quick grocery shop, make dinner, tidy the house, take care of the kid. No big deal. In between throwing loads of washing in and out of the machine I whisked Pebble off to the supermarket to get the ingredients for dinner. She insisted on wearing her ‘dancing skirt’ over the top of her trackies, as she does almost every day lately. I couldn’t be bothered getting dressed properly myself, and chose to go out in my mummy uniform of charcoal work out pants (I don’t even know what to call these – trackies meet yoga pants and have a baby), an old, super faded t-shirt with a few holes in it (no bra – gasp!), and my black hoodie that was NOT coming off under any circumstances.

Of course this would be the day that:

a) I bump into one of the parents and a student from my class. A gorgeous family, honestly, they are such treasures. I just wished I was wearing a bra.

b) Pebble wets her pants – the nappy was dry, it was bizarre!

c) I don’t bring a change of clothes out with us.

d) I don’t pack a snack (she’s an EATING MACHINE right now!).

So there where are, in the car park at Woolies with my kid in a tutu and sneakers, stuffing her face with a bread roll. She was having a lovely time.  Sometimes you just have to laugh at life. Then other times you just have to learn how to prepare to leave the house with a toddler. For heaven’s sake woman, have you learned nothing in the last 20 months?

That’s why I write this blog – so I don’t forget moments like these. Gold.

Never Say Never

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I just Googled this blog post title to try and find an appropriate photo to go with it. You know what I found? A boat load of Justin Beiber. Who knew? Apparently I share the creative genius of a prepubescent pop prince.

Anyhoo. I have ALWAYS said Never.

I’ll Never get married.

I’ll Never have children.

I’ll Never live far away from my family again.

I’ll Never work in a job that means working after hours and weekends.

You know what? I did it all. I did it all and more. You want to know something else? I’m pretty damn happy. The marriage …. as a kid who saw most of her family get divorced I wondered why the hell anyone would bother. Since then quite a lot of them have gotten remarried. Happily. And I grew up. And I met Paul. It was just right.

The kids. I’m not sure where this Never started, but once I started preaching it I got kind of stubborn about it. I do have a vague early childhood memory of seeing a horse give birth, and making the connection that mummies push babies out of their bodies. And if babies had legs like that foal then NO WAY was I going to have babies. Then in my early teens I was told that I may never be able to have babies, and I used this Never as a protective barrier against the world, the unknown. Again, I grew up. I wanted to have a family. So I did. I am SO grateful that it turned out to be so much easier than we thought, too.

Living away from family. Paul and I are from opposite ends of the long stretch of metropolitan Adelaide. My parents live about 30kms and an hour away. It’s far, but it’s not THAT far. We make it work. I love where we live now, it’s just beautiful, surrounded by gum trees and koalas (and the odd ‘roo!) in the backyard. We’re making our own life, our own family, and I wouldn’t change a thing… unless that thing was to somehow crinkle up the Adelaide landscape so that the gap wasn’t quite so far.

The job. Nowhere in the shiny education degree brochure did it mention the work load, never ending drain on your head and heart, not to mention bank balance (did you know teachers buy most of their own resources?). Somehow, somewhere along the way my passion for this thing they call teaching took over, and the extra work load, the huge responsibility, it all became part and parcel of something that I love.

Four HUGE Nevers. Life changing decisions that have brought me, slowly but surely, to where I am and who I am today. Which brings me to one more. One more MUCH less important and MUCH less life changing… I have also said that I’d never pay for fitness again. No personal trainers, no treadmills, and NO GYMS.

Yep. I totally just joined a gym.

It was so cheap! So close to home! With a great time table!

I’m not kidding myself, or you, dear readers. I’m not about to become a gym junkie and hit the weights room every day. I am going to move my body more and get healthy. Or at the very least, healthier.

Have you ever said Never? Then changed your mind?

Control your crazy

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So, last night I went out to celebrate with my very good, long time friend. We’ll call her Cassandra Dean. The celebration is that she is (contracted to be) a published author. Huzzah! There were cocktails, a beer garden, $10 pub fare and lots and lots of D&Ms. As the night wore on and the throng of Cassandra’s followers died away it was left to just the two of us. I, sober. Cassandra, merry on a couple of Mad Men inspired beverages.

We got to talking about our worries and both of us have some issues at the moment, as most people do. Mine are mostly teeny tiny worries that I have built up, and up, and up until they’re keeping me up at night. I confessed my concerns and Cassandra was quite the zen master.

To elaborate, I have a very bad habit of putting thoughts into people’s heads. These thoughts that I imagine other people are having then give me great worry and concern, and change the way I think and behave.  I have a very simple example, which is not representative of my bigger worries, but is something that I would, and have, totally over-thought in the past. Case in point:

I have a very lovely Mother in Law. In all sincerity, one of the easiest people to get along with, and a very generous, caring person. However, I am crazy. So recently, when said MIL was coming over to look after Pebble while I went out, I thought “it would be great if she could come an hour earlier, to make it easier for me to get ready”. After much deliberation I called her, and this is what I said:

“Hi, how are you? How’s your day going? (general chatter). So, I’ll see you later on? What time are you coming over? Oh, 5pm as agreed. No worries. (in a hurried breath of air) You’re-always-welcome-to-come-earlier-if-you-like. Oh, ok, we’ll see you at 5pm then.”

Then I proceed to have many over-lapping thoughts:

• MIL is probably thinking: what a crazy woman, what was that about?
• why didn’t I ask her to come over? She’d probably say yes because I asked, but I don’t want her to feel obligated.
• MIL is probably thinking: I’d love to come earlier and see my grandchild, but I don’t want to get in the way.
• maybe I should ring her back and ask her properly.
• no, I’ll be imposing.
• no, she’ll love it.
• no, she’ll think I’m crazy for all the phone calls.

Meanwhile I carry on getting ready with a clingy baby-toddler (seriously, this 10 month old is not a baby) pulling at my jeans and drooling on my shoulder, and driving myself bat-shit crazy with imaginary conversations and scenarios.

The problem is that I do this all the time. Which brings me to zen master Cassandra’s words of wisdom:

• My thoughts, feeling, opinions and needs are as valid as anyone else’s.
• I can’t control what other people do or think.

What I needed to do, to be fair to both myself and my MIL, in that scenario is say:

Hi, how are you? If it’s not too much trouble could you please come an hour earlier to look after Pebble while I get ready to go out?

She might say yes. She might say no. I’m not in control of that decision, or why that decision is made. I can only state what I think, feel or need, and allow the other person to communicate their thoughts, feelings and needs to me.

Huh. Who’d have thunk it?

To the rest of the world this may, or may not, seem like a very simple thing to achieve. However it took me about two hours of conversation for my brain to be able to comprehend this whole “say what you mean” business. My brain just kept saying:

• what if I’m imposing?
• what if I upset someone?
• what if other people don’t want what I want?
• what if they think …..?

You know what? What if?! I CAN’T CONTROL OTHER PEOPLE. There is no sense in worrying about something that hasn’t happened. It’s not fair to impose my imaginary thoughts and scenarios on other people. I need to give people the opportunity to have their own response, and then go from there. Not have conversations with them without their knowledge and then take action based on those fictitious conversations.

So, I’m going to attempt to control my crazy. It’s kind of bending my brain inside out to imagine living in this new frame of mind, but I’m going to give it a go.

What about you? Are you an over-thinker? How do you control your crazy?

It’s oh, so quiet

Things seem a little quiet around here lately. I’ve been thinking of you a lot, but my fingers haven’t found their way to the keyboard very often. I’ve written many a blog post in my mind, but that’s where they’ll probably stay. In real life things have been hectic, but in a nice way. This week I have:

• sung A LOT of songs with Pebble, and found myself humming playschool songs over the kitchen sink
• laughed so hard with Pebble that she threw up (hahahahaha OH!)
• visited and been visited by loved ones
• drove to the city to spend too much money
• bought lots of presents for little ones celebrating birthdays this week (such fun!)
• lost my camera (gulp), then found it again (thank you Kikki K shop assistant angel)
• learned to make chapatis
• caught up on some yummy episodes Mad Men
• luxuriated in the post-breastfeeding alcohol freedom (three whole drinks!), then regretted it
• planned a little and procrastinated a lot about my return to work

This weekend we’re seeing friends and family, and generally running from here to there and back again. Also, tomorrow I’m doing the City to Bay and I’m terrified! I have not prepared at all and feel so very close chucking a sickie. But I can’t. Can I? No, I shouldn’t. Should I? *sigh*
I hope you’re weekend is filled with friends, fun, and a lot less indecision than mine.

Cobwebs

Today I chased some cobwebs away, literally, which helped to clear the cobwebs inside my head a little too. I’m still feeling fugged, actually, even more fugged with cold than yesterday. But I’m not such a negative nelly about it. Thanks for sharing your playlists with me, and for helping to brighten up a dull day.
Of course, Pebble’s continuing to keep the sunshine in my life, and today was no exception. This is her new move. She’s currently seeking representation for a new line of baby aerobics DVDs. Let me know if you’re interested.

Oh, and yes, her clothes have pigtails – her legs are too long for the 0 suits and she’s too skinny and short for the 1 suits, so I put her in a 1 with pigtails. I think all the kids will be doing it soon, don’t you?

Meh

I’m sure it’s not the first time I’ve written a Meh post. But I’m too Meh to actually check. I’m having one of those weeks. I have zero motivation to do anything. I am fighting off an annoying cold. You know, the kind that makes you just sick enough to feel crap, but not crap enough to actually chuck it all in and spend the day in bed (if you could). I’m continuing on with the endless rotation dishes-laundry-toys-ironing-bottles-dinner. Those menial tasks that seem to fill my life and never, ever end.

So, I’m in a bit of a funk. I haven’t even felt like blogging and that’s saying something. And what do I do when I’m in one of these moods? I get into one of Paul’s oldest t-shirts and blast depressing music [The Smiths-Gene-Missy Higgins-insert your preference here] while feeling sorry for myself. It’s while doing this that I realise just how pathetic I must look, with my daggy (or is it cool now?) ripped jeans and straggly hair, with my needing-a-bath baby crawling around my ankles.

I was trying to track back to what made me feel like this, and I guess it’s a bunch of things… but the first that came to mind was this: Christmas decorations in shops = nearly the end of the year = goodbye stay at home mummy life. Wow, that’s like, totally random! [sorry, too many Summer Heights High re-runs for me].

SO, instead of wallowing in my own misery, I should get off my arse and enjoy this life while I have it. Right? Well, maybe after one more song….

So, what’s your wallowing-in-self-pity play list?

Road Trip

I’m taking a road trip away from The Rockgarden for a couple of days to catch a few moments with my loved ones – but I have scheduled a couple of little things for you while I’m away.  I’m wishing you all a lovely weekend, and a Happy Father’s Day for all the Dad’s in your lives.

You’ve changed, man

Pebble, 3 weeks old

Since becoming a mum, I’ve changed. I’m still me, but I’m a different me.
Yeah, I’m still clumsy, I’m still anxious (even more than ever), I still love Gossip Girl, I still eat too much chocolate and not enough fruit. I still lose my keys, and lock myself out the house (once when the baby was inside. Alone. But that’s another story). Becoming a mum hasn’t made me better. It hasn’t made me more grown up or more serious (perhaps just the opposite!).
But, boy oh boy, becoming a mum has changed my heart.
Before I had Pebble I never imagined that I could feel a more powerful, overwhelming love than the love I have for my husband. It’s not that I love Pebble more than Paul, but this mother love is made of something else. It’s the love that makes you want to pick them up and cuddle them in the night, that makes you want to physically harm anyone who might harm your baby, that makes you want to do anything to make them smile. It’s a dangerous kind of love, especially when mixed with a dash of baby charm – at times they can get anything they want. It’s also a scary love, it makes you overcome with fear for their wellbeing, their safety, their happiness. Sometimes being a parent feels like such an easy thing to be doing, and other times it feels like it carries the weight of the world.
One thing I try to remember is that our children are not ours to keep. I can’t say it better than this poem, which I first read on Girls Gone Child.

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday

read more

I feel very lucky to have Pebble on own loan for a while.

Success

Today I went to a funeral. The third funeral that I’ve attended in my 31 years. I am thankful that I have not had to attend more.
I was nervous about going to the funeral of my primary school teacher. I thought it might be strange for me to be there, that I might be intruding on a private family moment. I had reassurance from a friend that all would be well, that we would just stay at the back, pay our respects and be off.
The funeral of this 49 year old woman, taken too soon from her young family, from the community that loved her and that she gave so much to, was full of love. Love and sadness.The main floor, the mezzanine level and the foyer were full of people there to celebrate her life. I listened as her husband and friend took turns to share memories, and watched as her children sang Amazing Grace. I was reminded of my school days and the creative, caring, fun and inspired teacher that she was.
I walked past that heavy wooden box, trying not to think of my teacher, their mother, his wife, inside. I placed a flower on top of many others, and left a card with a few words for her family. A few words to let them know what she had meant to me, and hope that it gave them some comfort to know that she was so appreciated.
I hugged my childhood Best Friend. The one that I shared heart shaped pendants and secrets with. We knew that she would be happy that we had found each other again (in real life, and not just on Facebook). We talked for a long time afterwards, sharing our own memories of that favourite teacher and rediscovering each others lives as proper grown ups. It won’t be the last time that we meet, but hopefully next time it will be without such sadness.
I am so happy that I go to say goodbye properly, and that Miss C got to share one last piece of wisdom with me in the form of this poem. Read it carefully and feel the weight of each word.

Success
Ralph Waldo Emerson

To laugh often and much;
To win the respect of intelligent people
and the affection of children;
To earn the appreciation of honest critics
and endure the betrayal of false friends;
To appreciate beauty;
To find the best in others;
To leave the world a bit better,
whether by a healthy child, a garden patch,
or a redeemed social condition;
To know even one life has breathed easier
because you have lived;
This is to have succeeded.