Harden The Fuck Up.
That’s what I’m telling myself a lot right now. I spent a lot of yesterday afternoon on the couch, watching re-runs of shite TV and trying hard (and pretty unsuccessfully) not to think about pregnancy.
Our first scan was inconclusive – it showed a gestational sac in the uterus, but it was not clear that there was anything inside the sac. This is not uncommon for 6 week pregnancy, which is apparently where the measurement of the sac puts me at (not 8 weeks, which is what the period date says I am).
However, the doctor explained that this could be another not uncommon condition, called a blighted ovum. This is a fertilized egg which behaves in every was like a developing foetus, then stops developing, but hangs out in the uterus for a while. It causes the body to look, think and feel pregnant, so there’s no way of knowing with out a clear scan.
I’m booked in for another scan on 5 June. That feels like a really long time to live in limbo land. I don’t want to think positive, but don’t want to think negative. So I’m trying to think nothing. This has made me into a kind unfeeling zombie, kind of like someone on antidepressants, who is numb. Interspersed, of course, with crazy rants, and emotional outbursts. It’s fun (<- Sarcasm).
Anyhoo, after eating a packet of biscuits in it’s entirety, and feeling completely revolting, I have picked myself up off the proverbial floor and decided to Harden The Fuck Up. This pregnancy is out of my sphere of control. At least I can conceive. At least I don’t have a real world problem, like my toddler fracturing her arm (thinking of Amber). So I need to focus on the good things, and the real things. Family, friends, wedding, work, not necessarily in that order. And I need to blog.
Hi-ho, hi-ho, it’s off to work I go……