Thursday, August 27, 2009

Worry wart

I don’t know if it’s ‘hormones’ or too much sugar before bed (I had a marathon baking session last night, by more about that later)… but I was wide awake for about an hour in the wee hours just staring into space and filled with an overwhelming sense of worry, stress and guilt.
I had one of the worst teaching day of my short teaching career yesterday. Nothing went right, everything went wrong, and by the time the bell went for home time I was barely holding it together, and considering whether teaching is where my future lies. I believe that teaching is a very important job, and if you can’t do it properly you shouldn’t do it at all.
So, my worries started with work, kids, parents and my job. Of course they then slid onto ‘am I going to be a good mother?’, then side tracked all over the place, from ‘I haven’t done any wedding thank you cards yet’ to ‘my tupperware cupboard is a mess’ to ‘I don’t call my family enough’.
I felt a rising sense of panic and fear and total loss of power over everything in my life. The only safe thing I could think to hold on to was my relationship with my husband, so I spooned up behind him, breathed in his smell and tried to relax. Eventually I feel asleep, and slept until morning.
Of course, in the morning everything is so much clearer. The little worries are easily pushed aside, the bigger worries seem much smaller, and logic kicks in. Ok, if you’re not happy with the way something is going, my logic says to me, what are you going to do about it? Move your arse into gear and take charge of your life, honey!
I wonder if anyone else gets these night terrors? Mine are most often between 3am and 5am, and always involve my negative thoughts going into over drive, but then resolve themselves with day light.
Thank goodness for the sun.

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