Arachnophobia

I am scared of spiders. I feel sorry for the spiders that come into my life, because they don’t die an easy death. I’m trying to get better at managing my fear of the eight legged creatures, but even now, after my most recent encounter, I’m flinching every few seconds because I think I can feel it crawling through my hair. And I probably deserve that.

Karma is a bitch, and I’m gonna get it bad one day. This afternoon I’m firing up our weber BBQ ready to roast a chicken. It’s the third time that I have personally used the weber, and I’m feeling pretty confident that I know what to do, and that this ‘men’s business’ is a load of bollocks. They just don’t want us to know how easy it is!

I go outside and I take the plastic cover off the weber. A few creepy crawlies scatter, but that’s cool, they’re gone, it’s over. I light the firelighters and move the coals over the flame when HE appears (it’s obviously a male). This poor, poor creature. It’s as big as my hand! It’s hairy! At first, I leave it alone. It crawls around the outside of the weber, as I go about my business, jumping back in alarm when it comes around to my side. I put the lid on – too freaked by the creature to realise that I’m not supposed to do that yet. So now the lid is on, the spider is on the side, and we’re just looking at each other.

Obviously the weber is heating up. The spider looks uncomfortable. I figure he will leave eventually because it’s too hot. I turn to go inside and see to my chicken… but I can’t. I can’t let the spider out of my sight. Where will it go? Clearly it will try to get my when I least expect it. It needs to die (sorry to all you spider lovers).

I pick up my shoe and approach. I lift to swing… .and stop. I laugh at myself and start again. I lift to swing… and stop. This is ridiculous! I know I’m not going to be able to do it. Not for fear of hurting the bugger. I’m just too bloody scared! It is literally making me feel sick in my stomach.

By now the spider is on the handle of the weber. The only safe place for it to be. I look around for a weapon. I see the garden hose. Hmmmm, a plan forms in my mind. I pick up the hose, turn on the water, and spray the spider (and the weber). The spider tries to crawl away, but it’s too damn hot for it to go anywhere. It clings, and it clearly going nowhere.

I have no choice. I go and get the spray. The bug spray. The highly flammable bug spray. The long suffering spider is hanging on tenuously, and I give it a good burst of poison. I hate doing this, but I have to. I just can’t cope with this thing on my BBQ! The poor bugger goes wriggles around trying to get away, but there is no escape. I hope he’s going to die soon. He doesn’t. I turn the hose on him again, and again, and again. He eventually falls to the floor and stumbles away towards the grass. I’m still paralysed by fear. I want to pick up my shoe and kill him to end his suffering, but I’m frozen. I’m still frozen when a sparkly eyed magpie appears from nowhere, marches up to the spider and grabs it in it’s beak.

Crap.

The unsuspecting magpie takes the spider into the shade of a tree to finish it’s meal. Now I’ve not only tortured a spider, but promised a magpie a slow and painful death from the spider spray it’s about to ingest.

Crap.

So, I’m a murder, the weber is covered in water (and the fire has gone out), and I’m no closer to getting this meal cooked. I don’t think I’m going to enjoy a single bite when it’s done, either.

The stupid part is that when I’m with the kids at school I can just control my fear. If there’s a spider in the corner of the room and the kids are freaking out I stay completely calm, tell them to ignore it and we continue with our day. If it’s a poisonous spider I kill it with spray when the kids are out of the room. If it’s a harmless one I get my very brave teacher friend to do the paper/cup trick to take the spider outside.

But today I lost it and now I’ve killed not one, but two creatures. Karma is gonna get me BAD.

How do you cope with spiders?