Nightmare

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Have you ever had one of those dreams that’s so bad that when you wake up, you don’t want to go back to sleep in case the dream is still there waiting for you? I just woke up from one of those. Or, I was just woken. I must have been breathing strangely or something, but Paul shook me awake and thank goodness he did. Now though, with my baby sleeping soundly, after Paul and I not getting to sleep until after midnight, and it now being 6.22am, I can not go back to sleep. I’ll try and write about my dream, but I know dreams always sounds crazy when you let them out of your brain…

…. I was visiting someone, I think Paul’s mum, or his sister. Only his mum was there, his sister was on her way. I was pushing Pebble in the pram and I was trying to park the pram right next to his sister’s pool. For some reason I was trying to get it really close to the edge of the water. Pebble kept leaning out of the pram toward the water. I kept thinking “funny baby, she’ll be all right”. Then her head was under the water, but she was still in the pram. I tried to get to her but I couldn’t get around the pram, it seemed huge, and I was stuck. Her head bobbed up, then under again. Up and under again. I couldn’t move. Pebble slipped out of the pram, and just sunk. She went down and down and down. I could FINALLY move! I jumped into the water, I was saying “she’s drowning, she’s drowning!”. Paul’s mum was there, but I remember thinking, “there’s nothing she can do!”. I tried to swim down to Pebble. She was sinking so fast, and the water felt like jelly. I couldn’t push through it. I saw that the water was very, very deep. I was getting a little lower, but I looked down, then looked up, and realised that even if I could make it to Pebble I’d never get us out again in time…

By some miracle Paul woke me at that exact moment. I immediately started to cry. Paul hugged me, but I still felt like I was going to throw up from this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. I couldn’t help but get up and check on Pebble, who had been sleeping soundly since about 3am. After listening to her beautiful little puffs of breath, I lay back in bed, and closed my eyes. But that dream baby in the water was still there. So here I am.

For some people my dream is a reality, and aside from the awful vividness of the pictures still in my mind, all I can think is that some people actually have to live through something like this. There must be nothing much worse in life than losing a child, and my heart goes out to all those who have suffered.

For me, it was only a dream. It was only a dream. It was only a dream.

Arachnophobia

I am scared of spiders. I feel sorry for the spiders that come into my life, because they don’t die an easy death. I’m trying to get better at managing my fear of the eight legged creatures, but even now, after my most recent encounter, I’m flinching every few seconds because I think I can feel it crawling through my hair. And I probably deserve that.

Karma is a bitch, and I’m gonna get it bad one day. This afternoon I’m firing up our weber BBQ ready to roast a chicken. It’s the third time that I have personally used the weber, and I’m feeling pretty confident that I know what to do, and that this ‘men’s business’ is a load of bollocks. They just don’t want us to know how easy it is!

I go outside and I take the plastic cover off the weber. A few creepy crawlies scatter, but that’s cool, they’re gone, it’s over. I light the firelighters and move the coals over the flame when HE appears (it’s obviously a male). This poor, poor creature. It’s as big as my hand! It’s hairy! At first, I leave it alone. It crawls around the outside of the weber, as I go about my business, jumping back in alarm when it comes around to my side. I put the lid on – too freaked by the creature to realise that I’m not supposed to do that yet. So now the lid is on, the spider is on the side, and we’re just looking at each other.

Obviously the weber is heating up. The spider looks uncomfortable. I figure he will leave eventually because it’s too hot. I turn to go inside and see to my chicken… but I can’t. I can’t let the spider out of my sight. Where will it go? Clearly it will try to get my when I least expect it. It needs to die (sorry to all you spider lovers).

I pick up my shoe and approach. I lift to swing… .and stop. I laugh at myself and start again. I lift to swing… and stop. This is ridiculous! I know I’m not going to be able to do it. Not for fear of hurting the bugger. I’m just too bloody scared! It is literally making me feel sick in my stomach.

By now the spider is on the handle of the weber. The only safe place for it to be. I look around for a weapon. I see the garden hose. Hmmmm, a plan forms in my mind. I pick up the hose, turn on the water, and spray the spider (and the weber). The spider tries to crawl away, but it’s too damn hot for it to go anywhere. It clings, and it clearly going nowhere.

I have no choice. I go and get the spray. The bug spray. The highly flammable bug spray. The long suffering spider is hanging on tenuously, and I give it a good burst of poison. I hate doing this, but I have to. I just can’t cope with this thing on my BBQ! The poor bugger goes wriggles around trying to get away, but there is no escape. I hope he’s going to die soon. He doesn’t. I turn the hose on him again, and again, and again. He eventually falls to the floor and stumbles away towards the grass. I’m still paralysed by fear. I want to pick up my shoe and kill him to end his suffering, but I’m frozen. I’m still frozen when a sparkly eyed magpie appears from nowhere, marches up to the spider and grabs it in it’s beak.

Crap.

The unsuspecting magpie takes the spider into the shade of a tree to finish it’s meal. Now I’ve not only tortured a spider, but promised a magpie a slow and painful death from the spider spray it’s about to ingest.

Crap.

So, I’m a murder, the weber is covered in water (and the fire has gone out), and I’m no closer to getting this meal cooked. I don’t think I’m going to enjoy a single bite when it’s done, either.

The stupid part is that when I’m with the kids at school I can just control my fear. If there’s a spider in the corner of the room and the kids are freaking out I stay completely calm, tell them to ignore it and we continue with our day. If it’s a poisonous spider I kill it with spray when the kids are out of the room. If it’s a harmless one I get my very brave teacher friend to do the paper/cup trick to take the spider outside.

But today I lost it and now I’ve killed not one, but two creatures. Karma is gonna get me BAD.

How do you cope with spiders?