Saturday, November 13, 2010


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Have you ever had one of those dreams that’s so bad that when you wake up, you don’t want to go back to sleep in case the dream is still there waiting for you? I just woke up from one of those. Or, I was just woken. I must have been breathing strangely or something, but Paul shook me awake and thank goodness he did. Now though, with my baby sleeping soundly, after Paul and I not getting to sleep until after midnight, and it now being 6.22am, I can not go back to sleep. I’ll try and write about my dream, but I know dreams always sounds crazy when you let them out of your brain…

…. I was visiting someone, I think Paul’s mum, or his sister. Only his mum was there, his sister was on her way. I was pushing Pebble in the pram and I was trying to park the pram right next to his sister’s pool. For some reason I was trying to get it really close to the edge of the water. Pebble kept leaning out of the pram toward the water. I kept thinking “funny baby, she’ll be all right”. Then her head was under the water, but she was still in the pram. I tried to get to her but I couldn’t get around the pram, it seemed huge, and I was stuck. Her head bobbed up, then under again. Up and under again. I couldn’t move. Pebble slipped out of the pram, and just sunk. She went down and down and down. I could FINALLY move! I jumped into the water, I was saying “she’s drowning, she’s drowning!”. Paul’s mum was there, but I remember thinking, “there’s nothing she can do!”. I tried to swim down to Pebble. She was sinking so fast, and the water felt like jelly. I couldn’t push through it. I saw that the water was very, very deep. I was getting a little lower, but I looked down, then looked up, and realised that even if I could make it to Pebble I’d never get us out again in time…

By some miracle Paul woke me at that exact moment. I immediately started to cry. Paul hugged me, but I still felt like I was going to throw up from this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. I couldn’t help but get up and check on Pebble, who had been sleeping soundly since about 3am. After listening to her beautiful little puffs of breath, I lay back in bed, and closed my eyes. But that dream baby in the water was still there. So here I am.

For some people my dream is a reality, and aside from the awful vividness of the pictures still in my mind, all I can think is that some people actually have to live through something like this. There must be nothing much worse in life than losing a child, and my heart goes out to all those who have suffered.

For me, it was only a dream. It was only a dream. It was only a dream.



  1. I have had dreams like that before, not exactly the same scenario but the helplessness and grief I felt was overwhelming. They are horrible!! Thank goodness it was only just a dream.

  2. Oh honey, how awful! I had one this very morning. I had a dream that my niece, who's 4, was with the Bebito and I and she ran across the road and was hit by a car. I saw her body flung metres and she lay on the road like a ragdoll...and then I woke up bawling my eyes out. The worst one I ever had though was not long after my parents last (there were many!) separation when I was 17. I dreamt he came in to our house and murdered Mum and my bro by stabbing them. I screamed so loud in my sleep that Mum actually came in and woke me. They're just SO awful.


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