I’ve had my head in the sand. Very firmly buried in the sand. It’s about time I wrench it out before I’m forced to, and that will hurt a lot more.
On Friday my Grandad passed away. It was expected, he lived a long life, he was lucky to escape the grip of lung cancer for so long, and that it didn’t drag out too much. I’m fine.
That’s what I keep saying to myself. When I let myself think about it. I’m fine. And I am. Fine.
Since Friday my days and nights have been busy, busy, busy. I didn’t dare stop in case my mind opened up that deep, dark, chasm. In case I got a flash of my last visit with him that Friday afternoon. The family all gathered around, bursts of chatter, as if it’s someone’s birthday, like perhaps we’re at a BBQ…. and then long, weighty silences, only broken by a strangled breath. It wasn’t pleasant, of course it wasn’t. But I didn’t let myself think about it. Instead I busied myself with other thoughts. I cracked jokes, I invited people to dinner, I secured my blinkers tightly, kept calm and carried on.
This isn’t just about losing Grandad. It’s about life, love, mortality. Death. This has only highlighted just how mortal we all are. How mortal my loved ones are. How real it is that one day I will have to say goodbye to some of them too. Death has made me examine life, and my relationships with the people I love. My time, and how I spend it.
On Friday we are saying goodbye properly, and I’m scared. I am happy for the peace that Grandad now has, but I am scared to face the sadness of a family mourning a loved one. My family. My mum, my nana, my brothers and sisters, my aunties, uncles, cousins. Mostly my mum. I’m really not ready for that.
So, that’s where I’ve been.
R.I.P. Grandad.
Oh Kylie, I'm so very sorry for your loss. It doesn't make it any easier when it's expected or after a long life - it's still sad. And there's nothing wrong with it being sad. We should mourn those we'll miss, it's only later that we're able to look back and smile at that life they've lived.
ReplyDeleteHugs xxx
I'm sorry about your Grandad Kylie. xx
ReplyDeleteExpect the unexpected. Sudden sadness may grip you when you least expect it. When you think you're fine, and you're out laughing, and then you smell a scent or hear a sound that reminds you, and you lose it. That is normal,and that is a life that will never be forgotten - and THAT is how someone lives forever - in our emotions and our memories. Love and hugs to you, and yes, your Mum will need you now.
ReplyDeleteSo so sorry to hear of your Grandad's passing. It's never any easier, even if you know it's expected. Tomorrow will be difficult but you will make it through.
ReplyDelete*Hugs*
BuBbles
x.
So sorry to hear about your Grandad. I will pray that you find the corage you need to face your emotions and the strength to witness greif in others. God gave us a heart capable of so many things love being the greatest. Find comfort in the love of your family and you will be a suport for them just as they will be a suport for you. Don't be afraid to feel great sadness it is a reflection of great love.
ReplyDeleteOh Kylie. I totally understand and am so very sorry for your loss. Nothing makes it easy but know that you are being thought of. Much, much, much love to you and your family. xxx
ReplyDelete